the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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