Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I have feelings that need drinking.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
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