youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Randomize
