its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Randomize
