This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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