i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
23 Bisexuals Confess The Biggest Differences Between Dating People Of Each Sex
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
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Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.