If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
