I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Randomize
