Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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