I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Randomize
