On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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