i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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