"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
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