I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
