The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
So much rum. So many feels.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Randomize
