Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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