bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
