Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
