My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Randomize
