Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
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