I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
