I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
