saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Randomize
