Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I think I am morally bankrupt
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
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