I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
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