I accidentally had phone sex last night
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
