I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Your cock deserves a montage
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
