no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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