Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
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They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
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Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
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