my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize