exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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