rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
