She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
