I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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