Just fell off a train. Bad.
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
porn star boner night. come get it.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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