I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
