If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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