so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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