I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Randomize
