she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
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