I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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