Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
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