i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
