he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
i wish my penis had a tongue
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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