There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Vodka?
Forever.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Randomize
