I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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