Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
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with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
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Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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