the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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