I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
