Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Operation Purity has been aborted
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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