stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
