So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
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