you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
