I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
