she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
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