He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Im part way to drunk.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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