God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
