I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
