6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
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