He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
