Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
Nicole vs. Life
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
