the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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