Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Randomize
