Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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