I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
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