I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
True college students do jello shots in the library
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
