I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
