if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
