Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
