I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize
